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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that professional help might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and anxiety.

Even processing later can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This process will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.